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Media Whore
A Very Media Whore Thanksgiving
I don't want to like the holidays. Holidays bring with them unhealthy expectations, expectations that people will be kind and families will exude love and acceptance, expectations that there will be peace in the valley and angels will visit the disenfranchised, expectations that we will all forget to be selfish bastards for just a moment.
But I get sucked into the holiday spirit before I can cry foul. I spend extravagantly and far beyond my means. I find myself baking incessantly, such that I cause much eye-rolling by my lesbian roommate, such that I run out of acquaintances to bestow treats upon. I dedicate dozens of man-hours to scouting and admiring outdoor decorations, the kind of over-the-top outward expressions of spirit that take on the status of miniature Laserium extravaganzas. I make my own bows.
I do not inherit my love of the holiday season from my parents. My parents are sentimentally retarded, which is not to say that they are retarded and that I am sentimental about it. They simply don't buy all that poppycock about tradition and family togetherness and spontaneous singalongs around the heirloom baby grand. The first time I can remember seeing It's a Wonderful Life on television, my father actually pronounced the words "Oh, malarkey" upon its heart-rending conclusion.
I wasn't even convinced that my childhood version of the holidays was inaccurate until I was well into my thirties. After all, media representations of Thanksgiving and Christmas are not to be trusted any more than media representations of wartime or ballroom dance competitions. I suspected that other families didn't stack presents in a pleasing manner around a kitchen chair (because Mother didn't see the point in "dragging" the Christmas decorations down from the rafters "year after year"), but who knew for sure?
One fateful year my lesbian roommate (whom I have known since college) invited me to spend Christmas with her family. I hesitated because it seemed kind of pathetic--they had never met me, and it wasn't like there was any chance that I would get "serious" with their daughter (though it crossed both our minds that they might get their hopes up over my appearance). But since my own parents had opted to go to Branson, Missouri for the holidays--"We love that Yakov Smirnoff and that Japanese fiddle player, and you can't beat the off-season rates!"--I had nothing to lose.
Nothing to lose, that is, except my entire holiday Weltanschauung. I was graciously welcomed to this strange household and plied with luxurious cocktail hours, rich meals, and homemade desserts. After dinner we mulled cider as we engaged in lively discussions about the state of the American musical theater and whether the Pulitzer Prize, the Booker Prize, or the National Book Award is a more consistent measure of literary merit.
The house was strewn with Harry and David Royal Riviera Pears (in their little pear-jackets), gingerbread cakes, and tiny shortbread cookies baked in small batches by reverent nuns. Potpourri simmered on the stove and dogs wore holiday sweaters. There was a Christmas stocking hung on the mantel (a real mantel!) with my name embroidered on it. And elaborately wrapped gifts towered around the decidedly unchairlike Noble Fir.
I returned with a renewed sense of purpose to imbue my own family holidays with a festive air. But despite several attempts on my part to challenge my parents' sensibilities with mysterious Harry and David Fruit of the Month Club gifts ("Foil-wrapped fruit: what a racket they've got going!") and surreptitious midnight Christmas-light stringing ("Our electricity bills are gonna go through the roof!"), they remain stubbornly "hullaballoo" hostile.
So how does a gay boy seek solace among the comfort-and-joy hostiles? By imbibing media representations of the holidays, of course! If one can count on nothing else in this workaday world, one can count on the continued presense of holiday-themed television specials to fan the flames of elevated expectations as we hurtle toward December.
We've got holiday programming to ramp us right up to the big day. One must watch something cheery while stuffing body cavities, after all. Tuesday delivers special episodes of Dharma and Greg and Once and Again. Dharma and Greg has been running out of steam ever since its debut season, but with Abby going into labor on Thanksgiving Day, it might be worth a peek. Then all hell apparently breaks loose on Once and Again--if that seems possible from a Zwick/Herskovitz drama--when the dueling broods sit down to a common holiday meal.
Wednesday offers special episodes of Normal, Ohio and The West Wing. On Normal, Butch convinces the folks to have dinner at slutty Pamela's house. I think this show gets better with every episode. I wasn't thrilled with the pilot, but I'm finding it funnier as the characters are revealed. It's a pretty brave sitcom for the 8:30 timeslot. I just hope it lasts long enough to show its stuff. The West Wing takes on asylum-seeking evangelical Chinese for the holidays...but this show has a way of making the unexpected work in its favor.
So are you ready for Thursday? Sure you are. Your day begins at 9 a.m. with dueling parades. NBC brings you the 74th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, hosted by Al Roker, Katie Couric, and Matt Lauer. At the same time, CBS brings you The All-American Thanksgiving Parade, hosted by Christine Baranski and Jim Nantz. The latter sounds to me like it might be more appropriately named the NBC Got The Macy's Parade So We Started Another One parade, but with the CBS entry you get Baranski.
Not into parades? Try the History Channel's offering, Home for the Holidays: The History of Thanksgiving. Be duly warned that this is History Channel fare. We cannot be held accountable for any disillusionment you may suffer during your viewing.
At noon you'll have your first opportunity of the season to do something else while It's a Wonderful Life wafts gently down in your periphery. If you miss your opportunity to enjoy this holiday classic while you baste your turkey, perhaps you can take it in later while you bake cookies, wrap presents, or glue glitter to pine cones. For a fun challenge, see if you can recite each line verbatim one beat ahead of the actors.
After you've eaten your turkey and dessert and had more than one uncomfortable relative moment, you're ready for your evening programming. If you're all soft and gushy inside, you may opt for either of the Waltons Thanksgiving reunions that are set to air back-to-back on TNN. Too much for you? That's OK. NBC's Must See TV lineup is completely holiday-friendly. The annualFriends Thanksgiving entry is generally one of the funniest of the year. And Will & Grace goes time travelling to the day when Grace brings boyfriend Will home to meet her parents for the first time...on Thanksgiving Day, 1985. Retro episodes are historically more successful at setting the period and characters' fashions than at being funny or engaging--we'll see if Will & Grace can rise to the challenge and pull off the complete package. Just Shoot Me and ER also promise Thanksgiving themes, but if your mom is in the room, you may have to settle for Faith!--the unfortunately named Faith Hill special--and Grand Ole Opry 75: A Celebration.
I won't be watching Faith! orGrand Ole Opry 75: A Celebration, though I certainly would be if my mother were in the room. My parents are on a bowling cruise, which is not to say that they will be bowling on a cruise ship. The cruise is the culminating event of a summer bowling league; they'll be cruising with their little bowling friends. I'll be enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner among friends, where I'll be poaching Harry and David Royal Riviera Pears and mulling cider, which will be liberally spiked with hot cinnamon schnapps. You're second guessing that family gig already, aren't you? Happy holidays to you and yours. Don't get lost in the malls.
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