|
|
Media Whore
A television epic of Biblical proportions
In the beginning, Mark Burnett created the reality format. It was without plot and void of written content, and uncertainty was upon the screen of the television; and the spirit of Mark Burnett was moving over the future of programming.
And Mark Burnett said, "Let there be human drama"; and there was drama. And He saw that the drama was good; and Mark Burnett delineated the drama from the sitcom. And He said, "Let there be a challenge in the midst of the drama, and let it separate the winners from the losers." And Mark Burnett created the Eco Challenge and separated the winners from the losers accordingly. And it was a hit, but only on cable.
And Mark Burnett said, "Let a new show put forth a cash prize, challenges yielding rewards, and contestants showing characters in which are their true selves, each according to their kind, upon the television." And it was so. CBS brought forth Survivor, and a $1,000,000 prize was at stake, and the contestants showed their true selves, each according to their kind. And Mark Burnett saw that network ratings were higher, and that it was good.
And Mark Burnett said, "Let there be a host in the reality program to separate the drama from the challenges, and let him administer directions and explanations, and let him sometimes damn the contestants with faint praise, and let him serve as a guide and a nuisance simultaneously to the viewing audience." And thus was Jeff Probst created.
And Mark Burnett made the two tribes, the greater tribe to form an alliance, the lesser tribe to lose challenges; He made the Tribal Council also. And Mark Burnett set the two tribes on opposite sides of the great set, with cameras upon them all of the day and all of the night to separate the "reality" from the reality. And Mark Burnett saw his audience grow, and there was a second season.
And Mark Burnett said, "Let the outback bring forth distasteful flesh: animal offal and insects of the earth and creeping things according to their kinds, and let the flesh be offered in reward challenges." And Jeff Probst fixed the animal offal and the insects of the earth and everything that creeps upon the ground to a spinning wheel, and he bid the contestants to spin the wheel and to eat of the distasteful flesh according to its kind, and the vegan said that she would not, but she did. And people spoke of it afterward.
And Mark Burnett said, "Let the contestants trap and eat living creatures which swim below the water's surface and fly across the firmament of the heavens." So Mark Burnett installed the tribes near the creatures of the sea and every living thing that moves, according to their kinds. And Mark Burnett saw that a pig was placed conveniently near one tribe, but not the other, and it aroused suspicion.
And Mark Burnett blessed the Kucha tribe with false riches, saying, "Be strong and win challenges and fill your camp with chickens (but keep the seed for yourselves), and let the tribe that shares not of the pig and fowl eat rice." And Kucha grew strong, and their triumph seemed fated.
Then Mark Burnett said, "Let there be a leader among the Kuchas and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the pigs of the ground, and let him wear silly war paint upon his countenance. He shall be the object of your scorn, and I shall smite him with fire." So Mark Burnett smote Mike, in the fire he smote him; Mike and fire, he united them.
Thus Mark Burnett blessed Ogakor, and Jeff Probst said to them, "Merge now as equals, and identify strong Kuchas and subdue them; and have dominion over Baramundi and every living Kucha that moves upon the earth." And the two tribes merged as equals, and they settled upon a riverbed.
And Mark Burnett said, "Behold, I have given you every beast of the outback, and every bird of the air, and everything that has the breath of life, and still you run out of rice." And it was so. And Jeff Probst saw how they had squandered what they were given, and he offered rice unto them, and alighted with their shelter. And shame was thrust upon them.
Thus was Baramundi saved, and all the host of it. And on the occasion of their next challenge Jeff Probst offered them Doritos and Mountain Dew and Budweiser, and they ate and drank richly, and they feared not the specter of gastrointestinal distress.
So Mark Burnett blessed Doritos and Mountain Dew and Budweiser and hallowed them, because on them he and CBS reaped rewards from all their work which they had done in creation.
These are the trials of the Kuchas and the Ogakors upon their merge. In the day that Jeff Probst bid them leave their camps and settle Baramundi, when torrential rains had not yet fallen and the riverbed was yet dry--for Mark Burnett had not caused it to rain upon the outback, and there was no warning about the riverbed; but a mist went up from the earth and watered the whole face of the ground--then the rice and the fish hooks and all the stuff of life were swept away.
And Mark Burnett planted to the east a Pontiac Aztek with a camping package; and there he put the man Colby whom he had ordained through physical challenges. And out of the interior Jeff Probst brought Colby's mother and bid them to break bread with one another and camp in the Pontiac Aztek. And the man Colby grew yet stronger, fortified by food and drink and maternal love.
Sixteen contestants emerged from a cargo plane to settle the outback, where they divided and became two tribes. The two tribes became one when six were lost and ten remained. And then there were three, Ogakors all.
The name of the first is Colby; he is the one beloved by the gay men, who wins all the challenges and wears the immunity idol; and the power of that idol is good. The name of the second is Tina; she is the one beloved by the women, who sweetens her venom with Tennessean drawl and has tanned overly much. And the name of the third is Keith; he is the one beloved by none but Peas, who cannot do anything with rice, though he is a chef.
Mark Burnett sent the sixteen to subdue the outback, and rend one another. And Jeff Probst has commanded them lo these fourteen weeks, saying, "Bring me your torch."
And then there were three, Ogakors all.
Survivor: The Australian Outback concludes Thursday, May 3 with a 2-hour finale.
Come back for more exclusively.net features at Unzipped.net. Watch us grow!
|
![[2] - Hot Male Couples!](http://www.unzipped.net/images/logos/2mag.gif)
