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Don't Touch the Merchandise
A field guide to all-male strip clubs, where the customer is always right--as long as he sits on his hands.
My prayers have been answered. Club Adonis recently opened its doors, bringing all-male, all-nudeness to Los Angeles for the first time in 20 years--that is, if you don't count those random nights at The Spike.
"Finally, after all these years, men who want to see naked guys are able to," says David Forest, an investor in Club Adonis and an agent for many gay-porn stars who dance on the stripper circuit. He, along with partner Nick Richmond, hope to open a similar club in San Diego. "We're determined to bring this type of entertainment to Southern California," Forest says, "and with the proper licensing and control, it can be done." Just like they did it at places like:
01
SAINTS AND SINNERS
Providence, Rhode Island
257 Allens Avenue
(401) 780-8823
WHAT TO EXPECT: Forest calls this tiny downtown joint a "sleazefest." My ears suddenly pricked up at the word. That's quite a reputation for this converted bathhouse that's been open just a few months. It also has the distinction of being the only all-nude club in New England. That's not much solace if you live in the northern part of Maine, but it's better than nothing.
THE MEN: Waspish and collegiate. Don't expect to see your favorite porn stars here yet, but with a few universities in the area (including Brown and Harvard, though we can't guarantee your favorite dancer goes there or anything), you can see how some wannabe A&F catalog models are augmenting daddy's allowance to get through the Ivy Leagues.
02
GAIETY THEATER
New York City, New York
201 West 46th Street
(212) 221-8868
WHAT TO EXPECT: Superb all-nude male entertainment; a Manhattan landmark. The stripper circuit begins here. Once you go, you'll be pissed off that no one told you about it sooner. Dancers appear during scheduled shows that run from 1:30 pm to 10:30 pm during the week; a midnight show runs until 3 am on the weekends.
THE MEN: There are seven guys during the week and 12 for the weekend. They range from a moonlighting Mr. Canada to porn stars to lost club kids. Great mix. Very friendly. An in-house DJ cues up two songs per act--one for the striptease and the other for the dancer to show off his hard-on. Most dancers are professionals, and tips are allowed (no touching) but scarce from this cheap crowd that knows that the two hours between shows is when the guys earn their real money. I'm told some dancers can make up to $10,000 a week. The money's so good here, top-shelf talent only needs to drop in once or twice a year.
03
WET
Washington, D.C.
56 L Street SE
(202) 488-1202
WHAT TO EXPECT: There's lots of go-go action in D.C., and there are two other strip joints in the district (Follies and La Cage), but Forest says this one's the best of the standalone, all-nude bunch. It's also old school, since you aren't allowed to touch (much). About 15 dancers a night work hard for their tips on the bar, while pornos play on the TV monitors. On hot weekends during the summer, the shower room is in full effect.
THE MEN: A mix of local guys and familiar faces from the New York-Philly-Toronto axis, as well as the occasional porn-star headliner.
04
CUPID'S CABARET
West Palm Beach, Florida
4430 Forest Hill Boulevard
(561) 642-5299
WHAT TO EXPECT: It's a warehouse of pure smut in the shadow of a Rent-A-Center. Because Cupid's has been zoned as a private club, they can get away with a lot behind those closed doors. When porn stars show up here, they show off what they're famous for--if you know what I mean. Open four years, the club features a showroom and a dance floor where you can get your groove on from 5 pm to 5 am every day. Shows run at 9 pm, 11 pm and 1 am. I'm pretty sure I'll retire to West Palm Beach for this place alone.
THE MEN: Up to 25 dancers every day. Headlining porn stars drop in every six weeks. The cover shoots way up when that happens, but the availability of lap dances will ease your suffering.
05
THE BOARDWALK
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
1721 North Andrews
(954) 463-6969
WHAT TO EXPECT: Chased out of the fascist county of Miami by a city government looking to clean up its seedy image, The Boardwalk relocated to Fort Lauderdale. The main room seats about 100 and has two stages; a smaller room contains video games and pool tables. Boardwalk often plays host to creative promotions such as Viagra Night, which came complete with free samples. (Outrageous, I know.) The dancers work the room for additional tips, although only touching above the waist is permitted.
THE MEN: Thirty dancers a night from all over the world, plus the occasional headliner. They have a great variety too. As stripper MC Justice told me, "You'll find someone you like. I know. I'm very picky, and I always find someone."
06
SWINGING RICHARDS
Atlanta, Georgia
1400 Northside Drive
(404) 352-0532
WHAT TO EXPECT: Here's something you probably didn't know about Atlanta: There are more strippers in the city than employees of Coca-Cola. We know this because every dancer--and employee of every strip club--in town must purchase a $350 license from Fulton County. This also makes Atlanta the stripping capital of the world and Swinging Richards its showplace. Since opening four years ago, the club has grown into a 12,000 square foot oasis of man flesh that rivals the legendary Olympic Gardens in Vegas. They've also taken the sleaziness out of the all-nude game with a main room that boasts marble walls and chandeliers. Eight VIP rooms provide privacy for private dances or an intimate party.
THE MEN: There are 58 dancers on the club's regular roster, of which about 32 work in rotating shifts on three stages nightly, four at a time, from 7 pm to 3 am. That's what I call a night in heaven.
07
CORNER POCKET
New Orleans, Louisiana
940 St. Louis Street
(504) 568-9829
WHAT TO EXPECT: It's the club where everybody would know your name if you weren't lying about it already. Just a simple 20-year-old spot with go-go dancers on the bar, bumpin' their stuff for your generosity, although Forest says, "Anything goes there, especially during Southern Decadence and Mardi Gras." New owner Michael Elias hosts about 150 horny men on a good night, such as the Friday amateur contest--or "new meat night" as it's known. ("We don't mince words down here," Elias cracks.)
THE MEN: Between 10 to 15 young (ages 21 to 24), nonprofessional dancers. "It's the regular man," Elias says. "We don't have the big, buff types." Regular'll do just fine.
08
HIDEOUT CABARET
Phoenix, Arizona
4030 East Elwood Street
(602) 431-1010
WHAT TO EXPECT: The only all-nude club in Arizona celebrated its second anniversary in June. A cool interior features black lighting and red tones among Greek pillars in the main room. Lap dances are available, as are three booths which offer more privacy for the special "booth dances," but trust me, spring for the private VIP room. Women are welcome, but guys outnumber the ladies.
THE MEN: Approximately 10 to 20 hot desert dudes every night, with the occasional porn headliner.
09
NOB HILL ADULT THEATER
San Francisco, California
729 Bush Street
(415) 781-9468
WHAT TO EXPECT: Pretty much anything. San Francisco's answer to the Gaiety, this theater is just blocks from Union Square and far removed from the seedy Tenderloin District so you don't have to fear for your life going there. It's been serving up nude jack-off shows and porn for more than 33 years, and is as classy as a naked joint can be. Upstairs, behind one of the cleanest 180-seat theaters in the country, is a shower pavilion, where you can watch the guys clean up after their acts, and a voyeur's lounge with filthy porn videos in constant rotation. "If you tip correctly," Forest says, "they'll let the customer do a little more--we won't have that here in L.A. of course."
THE GUYS: About 25 a day, with a wide range of body types so you're sure to find a dancer who does it for you. A booming local porn industry means that many of the performers are also regulars, and Nob Hill brings in headliners frequently.
HONORABLE MENTION: STELLA'S The downstairs room at the renowned hustler bar must be San Francisco's best-kept secret. It's hot, sweaty and has some the hottest African-American and Latino amateur boys working it out.
They can stuff a G-string, honey.
HONORABLE MENTION: Remington's (TORONTO) Let one of their beautiful, fresh-faced men take you upstairs to the VIP rooms (OK, they're really cheap plywood booths) and see just how far the American dollar goes in Canada. . .
Words by August Le Thrust
Experience the sextraordinary in the latest issue of Unzipped Monthly, on sale now.
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